Match.com Hall of Shame #7

Subject: Hello

Hi, my name is Ray, I am an ex- Casino host from Lake Tahoe. Moved here to work for Jon Gruden (dream job) I would really like to talk with you.

————
Looking for Normal “with a wild side” That’s Me!

43-year old man
United-States, Florida, Tampa

What Went Wrong:

  • “43-year old man” (And looks about 55 in his photo.)
  • “Moved here to work for Jon Gruden (dream job)” (Who the hell is Jon Gruden? Oh. Someone just informed me that he’s a football coach. I loathe football. If a football career is your dream job, you are not for me.)
  • “I would really like to talk with you.” (Well isn’t that nice? If only you had inc luded even one hint that you’d read my profile…)

Overall Impression:
Match.com spammer and quasi-geriatric football lunkhead. Keep on walking, buddy.

Match.com Hall of Shame #6

Subject: want to know you

hey can i get to know you?
———-
CUTE JAMAICAN LOOKING FOR ROMANCE

37-year-old man
Temple Terrace, FL, US

(From his profile)
About me and who I’d like to date
OK LETS DO THIS IM A JAMAICAN LIVING IN ORLANDO FLORIDA ; IM 5/9 ONE HUNDRED AND EIGHTY SEVENPOUND BLACK HAIR BROWN EYES , I LOVE TO JOG AND TAKE LONG WALKS IN THE PARK. IM LOOKING FOR A COOL CALM WOMAN CHURCH GOING , A WOMAN THAT ENJOY SPORTS . A WOMAN THAT WANT TO HAVE KIDS SOME DAY.

What Went Wrong:

  • Too little information in the email–and what is there is generic.
  • No name
  • Profile was typed in all caps
  • “CHURCH GOING” (Obviously missed the part of my profile that stated that I was about as religious as a sack of turnips.)
  • “A WOMAN THAT ENJOY SPORTS” (I loathe sports as both a participant and as an observer.)
  • Spelling, punctuation, yada yada yada

Overall Impression:
Yet another guy that only looks at the photos. Absolutely nothing in common with me. Religious…bleah.

Match.com Hall of Shame #5

Subject: I am interested in you.
Hello,

My name is David. I am 43 years old and I am very single. I have no children. I’m looking for a good woman to grow old with. I live in Ocala, Florida. I am a paramedic supervisor here. I love my job and have been working here for the past 24 years.

In my spare time I love to ride my Harley-Davidson motorcycle. It is a great way to unwind and enjoy a beautiful day. I have travled across the country several times on it. I plan to do it again next summer.

I also love to go to the beach and vegitate on it. South Beach in Miami is one of my favorites.

The picture in my profile was taken in front of my house. They may have cropped it so I can send you the entire picture if you like. Hope you like me and my house. I love it here. Even if I would win Loto I have no desire to move.

I would like very much to meet you.

Hope to hear from you,

David
———————

Looking for a good woman to grow old with

43-year-old man
Ocala, FL, US

What Went Wrong:

  • Spelling/Typos: vegitate, Loto, travled
  • “I am 43 years old and I am very single.” (More like very desperate…besides being out of my 27-39 age range.)
  • “I also love to go to the beach” (In my profile I mentioned that I’d take a trip to Best Buy over any cheesy walk on the beach. Obviously this guy didn’t read my profile. Big mistake.)
  • “Hope you like me and my house.” (YUCK. Is he trying to sell himself to the first homeless or mercenary woman out there? Pathetic.)
  • No mention of anything from my profile. This tells me that this is a copy and paste form email, which implies that he a) didn’t bother to read my profile or b) didn’t think it was important to personalize his message. Unacceptable in either case.
  • “Looking for a good woman to grow old with” (I’m Asian, buddy. I will look like I’m 25 until I’m 50. Can you say the same? Also, all this talk about houses, settling down, and veiled traditionalism gives me the creeps.)

Overall Impression:

Unimaginative Match.com spammer. Probably sends the same email to every member whose photo catches his eye.

Match.com Hall of Shame #4

Subject:
…..

YOU ARE SO CUTE i HAD TO WRITE…ARTISTIC, BEAUTIFUL, INTROSPECTIVE, WOW…MY KIND OF GIRL.
i KNOW i AM OUT OF YOUR AGE PROFILE, BUT i AM SO YOUNG AT HEART AND ALSO LOOK IT!!!

hARRY

———————
S.O.S. for Love! ! !

45-year-old man
Fort Lauderdale, FL, US

What Went Wrong:

  • This fellow left his Caps Lock on when he wrote me. I felt like I was being shouted at by an Internet newbie.
  • “i KNOW i AM OUT OF YOUR AGE PROFILE” (Why bother writing then? Those age guidelines are there for a reason. If I wanted to date someone in his mid-40s, I’d say so.)

Overall Impression:
Not too bad, but the all caps and age gap put poor “hARRY” in the “No” folder.

Match.com Hall of Shame #3

Subject: Your picture is beutiful

—————-
PADI Master Scuba Diver Trainer that loves the Ocean. If you love being on the water than you will be a good match.

43-year-old man
Hutchinson Island, FL, US

What Went Wrong:

  • “Your picture is beutiful” (Once again, the typo gremlin came to call.)
  • No message body–What a waste of time! If you are going to email someone on an online personals site, at least take the time to write one sentence in the message on top of attaching your profile. Uber-lame.
  • Age 43 (Out of my stated age range. Please try reading a gal’s profile as well as gawking at the photos.)

Overall Impression:
What a lazy bum.

Match.com Hall of Shame #2

Subject: A UNIQUE REPLY !
Hello ! I am Dominick !

I really liked your narrative… you took the time to describe yourself and paint a picture of the person behind the profile.
I am a geek… in an athlete’s body !

I live in Orlando…own a home here…

and I TOO WOULD PICK THE BOOK !

I am a PT with my own private practice, Certified Special Olympics coach who works with the most wonderful heros you ever met, Motivational speaker and author, and Nutritionist. I speak for many groups including the Orlando Fire Department, Local Schools, event the Orange county JAIL and Juvenile Detention Center ! Yes… I am also a semi pro triathlete…

I search for honesty… loyalty… a genuine person… something solid… someone passionate about life.

I wanted to send a different reply !

Would you take a moment to read below ?

Things I love that make me happy !

Running to the lake each morning to watch the sunrise with my dogs.

Being awaken by my little kitten each morning as she says… Hey DAD.. feed me !

The early morning quiet.. before sunrise… when all is peaceful and calm.

That peaceful moment at night… just before you fall asleep.

Watching an osprey dive bomb the fish at the lake !

Windsurfing at the coast… going 20 mph and feeling like flying !

That moment just before a race… when there is that silence.. that peace… before the starting gun !

Waking up each morning and feeling blessed … feeling appreciation and gratitude for all your blessings.

Going to sleep each night… knowing you filled the day with good things, hard work.. and lived fully !

The special feeling I get when working with my special Olympics athletes… they are true heros… and inspire me !
Yes.. I love kids !

Working with my High School rowing team… actually training with them… setting a good example for them to follow !

Every year I go someplace special…
1996 Alaska ! AWESOME !
1997 Vermont cycling tour in the Fall !
1998 Utah Mountain bikeing !
1999 San Diego Olympic training center
2000 The keys !
2001 Rhode Island Triathlon
2002 Camping North Carolina Mountains
2003 Panama City Beach IRONMAN triathlon
… and went to the KEYS !
2004 LAKE PLACID new york ! IRONMAN event !

I enjoy so many fun things… kayaking, rollerblading, swimming, triathlons, dancing, long walks, the beach, canoe trip down a lazy river… travel… but also relaxing times. a fire in the fireplace or swim in the springs !
Good conversation over a nice meal… simple things … simple pleasures.

I Hope to hear from you ! Thanks for reading this far !

Dominick

What Went Wrong:

  • Spelling isn’t bad, but what is up with the (space) + ! punctuation? Writing like that makes a person sound like an airhead ! Don’t you agree ?!
  • “I speak for many groups including the Orlando Fire Department, Local Schools, event the Orange county JAIL” (Please realize that frugality applies not only to one’s finances, but to one’s use of capitalization as well.)
  • “Subject: A UNIQUE REPLY !” (After the first three or four lines, this email is obviously a copy and paste of a pre-written spiel. Not flattering, and certainly not “UNIQUE !”)

Overall Impression:

This guy sounds like a cheerleader. I don’t think I could handle that much peppiness.

Match.com Hall of Shame #1

Subject: You little Muse you.
Hey Caustic,

You sound like the kind of girl that can handle my overwhelming massive intelect, firm nubile body, and my humble ego. I can write long rambling obsequious verbosities pining for the fiords with the upper echelon’s of the cerebral socialites, but instead, I’ll cut right to the chase. Oriental girls turn me on. I’ll tell you one thing. I don’t consider cuddle time compensation, but rather, one of the true rewards in life. Except of course when I’m in prison. How’d you like to lay around while I read to you from my favorite novels. Salinger, Dostoyevsky, Al Franken. Whatever your whistful little medula-oblongata fancies.

I’d spell check this to impress you, but it’s late and I’m too tired to start up OpenOffice.org on this here Fedora Linux box.
Gerat profile there, Caustic. Sweet dreams Sugarlips!

Needlenoots

What Went Wrong

  • “overwhelming massive intelect” (I don’t THINK so, buddy. Anyone who can’t spell “intellect” while touting their own is not going to impress me.)
  • “Except of course when I’m in prison.” (Um, hello? Is this supposed to be funny or are you just a sad, deluded little man?)
  • “Sweet dreams Sugarlips!” (EW. Just plain EW.)
  • “Oriental girls turn me on.” (Asian fetish. ‘Nuff said. Go find a girl who speaks bad “Engrish” and still needs a green card. I’m already a citizen.)

Overall Impression:
Violently repulsed

Confessions of a Trading Spaces Overdose Victim

I don’t have cable TV.

In fact, my TV habit has been patchy ever since I left home in the fall of 1993 to attend Rice University in Houston, Texas. I didn’t have a television at school, and I barely watched the TV I bought for my barracks room in Germany. (Try watching 15 minutes of AFN, the Armed Forces Network, and see how enthusiastic you are about the boob tube.) I missed out on Buffy, Friends, Melrose Place, and The Simpsons. When I returned home to finish school at UCF in 2000, I pretty much stuck to syndicated re-runs of Law and Order (I’m a sucker for crime shows and police procedurals), the Powerpuff Girls, and, alas, TLC’s Trading Spaces.

You must understand that I am not at all domestic in the potpurri-buying, seasonal wreath-hanging, cute flower-shaped-soap-in-the-guest-bathroom way. I’m pretty sure I got in the wrong line when they were passing out the home decorating skills and wound up in the how-to-set-up-a-no-frills geekette pad line instead. My idea of a cozy home is one that has a bed, a computer desk, and enough bookshelves to store my massive collection of science fiction and fantasy novels, RPG manuals, computer references, and oversized art books. Oh, and a well-stocked kitchen with a nice set of cookware–love to get my eat on, after all.

Not for me the weekly trips to Bed, Bath, and Beyond and Ikea to look at the latest in housewares and the rug pattern du jour.

However, there’s something hypnotic about Trading Spaces that keeps me glued to the TV set every time I drive to Casselberry to visit Mom and Dad. If only I had a house, $1000, an interior designer, and a model/actor-turned-carpenter at my disposal! I, too, could have a living room oozing with Vern Yip class.

Well, the house, the money, the designer, and that divine hottie with a power drill Ty Pennington might be out of my grasp, but guess what? I can have the power tools they use, oh yes I can!

Okay…not really. My little apartment is packed to the rafters already with my things, and all of my repair needs are met by the wonderful staff of my apartment complex.

That is why my little lapse from my stringent schedule of tightwaddery last night is so embarrassing.

Go ahead and mock me, but when a Black and Decker 5-attachment cordless multi-tool showed up in my Amazon.com Gold Box at midnight last night for $89.99 (reg. $99.99) with free shipping, I gave in to a moment of Trading Spaces madness and bought it, visions of crafty home improvement projects dancing in my head. I rationalized that a single tool that could perform all the functions of a drill/driver, router, jig saw, circular saw, and sander/polisher for under $100 was a sound, frugal investment. I don’t see myself ever tackling big projects that might require dedicated power tools; I’m a dabbler at heart. This multi-tool seemed to be right in my league.

Twenty minutes after the order went in, I had a brief moment of buyer’s remorse. I zipped back to my Amazon account to cancel the order, but it was already in the “Preparing shipment” phase. Damn Amazon’s efficient new inventory prep system! Sometime in the first week of June, yours truly will probably be the only gal in her apartment building with 20 lbs of power tools in her bedroom closet.

Will I keep it? Only time will tell. The drill/driver certainly would get some use, and perhaps some of the other items as well if I get up the motivation to set up an outdoor workshop on my unused balcony. I was the router and jig saw queen of my 7th grade shop class, you know. If you need a beveled wooden sign announcing your family name to the world, I am so your gal. 🙂

Reviews and final verdict in two weeks or so…

Black & Decker MT1405B-2 14.4V Cordless Multi-Tool (Amazon.com Price $99.99)